Living with BPD: Finding Understanding and Balance
Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) — or loving someone who has it — can feel overwhelming at times. The emotional ups and downs, the fear of abandonment, and the intensity of relationships often leave both individuals and families feeling drained and uncertain.
The book Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger has become a trusted resource for many in this situation. It helps people better understand BPD and offers practical ways to create healthier relationships without losing yourself in the process.
Why Understanding Matters
One of the most powerful lessons from the book is that BPD behaviors are not usually about manipulation — they’re often desperate attempts to cope with overwhelming emotions. Realizing this can shift the perspective from blame to compassion, while still recognizing the importance of protecting your own well-being.
Boundaries and Empathy
The authors stress two essentials:
Boundaries: Setting clear, consistent limits helps everyone know what’s acceptable and creates a sense of safety. For example, calmly stating, “I need to take a break right now, but I’ll come back in 20 minutes,” can prevent an argument from spiraling out of control.
Empathy: At the same time, it’s important to acknowledge the very real pain that someone with BPD may be experiencing. Even simple validation —“I can see how much this hurts for you”— can help de-escalate conflict.
Practical Tools
One strategy highlighted in the book is called SET-UP, which combines Support, Empathy, and Truth, along with consistency in boundaries. It’s a way of balancing compassion with firmness. For example:
Support: “I care about you and want our relationship to work.”
Empathy: “I understand this situation is painful.”
Truth: “It’s not okay to yell at me. Let’s talk when things are calmer.”
By practicing this approach, both partners or family members can feel heard while avoiding cycles of blame or resentment.
Self-Care is Essential
For loved ones, the book emphasizes that your mental health matters too. Caregivers and family members often feel like they’re “walking on eggshells.” Taking time for self-care — whether that’s therapy, journaling, or connecting with supportive friends — helps prevent burnout and keeps relationships healthier in the long run.
For individuals with BPD, self-care means developing compassion for yourself as well. Therapies like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) can be life-changing, providing skills in emotional regulation, mindfulness, and healthier communication.
A Path Toward Healing
Stop Walking on Eggshells reminds us that while relationships with BPD can be complicated, they are not hopeless. With clearer boundaries, empathy, and practical strategies, both individuals with BPD and their loved ones can find greater stability and emotional well-being.
The journey may not be easy, but healing is possible — both for those living with BPD and the people who love them.
Hanna Knudsen, MS CMHC, LCPC
Reference
Mason, P. T., & Kreger, R. (2010). Stop walking on eggshells: Taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder (2nd ed.). New Harbinger Publications.