When Love Hasn’t Arrived Yet: Longing for Partnership

Many people long for the connection that comes with a loving partnership, and when love is delayed, it can be deeply painful. During these times, it is important to remember that you are not unlovable, unavailable, or unwilling. Sometimes, the right connection simply has not come along yet. 

What often intensifies the pain of being alone is the social messaging around singleness. Well-meaning advice such as “just focus on yourself,” “it will happen when you least expect it,” or “maybe your standards are too high” can feel dismissive and invalidating. It is widely understood, when longing for connection is dismissed, people often blame themselves rather than being able to process the grief of waiting or being alone in healthy and healing ways (Neff, 2011; Brown, 2012). 

It is vital to remember that wanting a partnership is not a weakness. It is a human need. 

Grief No One Talks About 

People who struggle to find loving attachment often experience ambiguous loss, a form of grief without a clear event or timeline (Boss, 2006). This type of loss can feel confusing, unresolved, and invisible to others. Research shows that at any stage of life, when the desire for connection is dismissed, people are more likely to turn their pain inward through shame and self-blame rather than work through the grief of waiting or being alone in healthy ways (Neff, 2011; Brown, 2012). 

Grief looks different for everyone. Many women quietly grieve the family they imagined, the emotional closeness they longed for, the experience of being chosen, and a future that feels uncertain. Men grieve as well, though their grief may look different and often appears as emotional suppression, anger, comparison, or loss of identity, especially in cultures that equate worth or success with being partnered. 

In religious cultures where marriage is often viewed as a sign of purity or spiritual maturity, singleness can carry added pressure, speculation, criticism, or even condemnation. When grief is minimized or left unacknowledged, it can intensify anxiety, depression, and shame, often leading to painful questions such as “What is wrong with me?” (Worden, 2018). 

What Healthy Grieving Looks Like 

Healthy grieving does not mean getting over being alone or pretending you are fine without a partner. It means allowing yourself to feel sad without judging yourself, being honest about what you have lost or hoped for, letting go of self-blame, and holding hope without putting pressure on a timeline. Grief becomes more painful when people are rushed to move on, told how they should feel, or made to feel like something is wrong with them for wanting connection, instead of being supported and understood (Worden, 2018). 

How Therapy Can Help 

Therapy offers a supportive space to process relational grief without dismissing the desire for love. Therapy can help individuals work through ambiguous loss (Boss, 2006), reduce shame through self-compassion (Neff, 2011), understand attachment patterns without mislabeling a normal response (Bowlby, 1988; Levine & Heller, 2010), and clarify values and boundaries rooted in self-respect rather than fear. 

Therapy is not about convincing someone they should be content being single. It is about supporting emotional health, identity, and relational integrity. 

A Compassionate Reframe 

Being single does not mean you have been overlooked. Sometimes it means you refused to settle for relationships that required self-betrayal or misalignment with your values. Healthy relationships do not require shrinking, silencing, or chronic anxiety and distress to survive. It is okay to wait for a healthy relationship rather than settling for one that diminishes your sense of self or personal safety. 

Closing Thought 

Partnership is one meaningful path, but it is not the sole measure of worth, maturity, or success. If love comes later or differently than you hoped, it does not erase the courage it took to wait without settling. 

You are not hard to love. You are simply unwilling to accept love that costs your sense of self, your values, or your safety. 

If you would like support in processing feelings related to being unpartnered, please reach out. One of our therapists would be honored to support you in your journey of self-discovery. 

Monique M. Schofield, PCLC 

References 

Boss, P. (2006). Loss, trauma, and resilience. 
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base. 
Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly. 
Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached. 
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self compassion. 
Worden, J. W. (2018). Grief counseling and grief therapy.