Understanding Your Teenager’s Brain
Being a teenager is an exciting time. Being the parent of a teenager often feels like a wild ride. This is in part because during adolescence, the limbic system of the brain is particularly active. The limbic system plays a crucial role in emotions and emotional responses as well as motivation and memory. It is heavily involved in the brain’s reward system. This reward system becomes more sensitive during this time and leads teenagers to seek out experiences that elicit strong emotional responses, even if they are risky or emotionally painful. The ability to “behave like an adult” through the acquisition of skills including measuring risk and planning ahead, comes much later, when the prefrontal cortex is fully developed, around the age of 25. The prefrontal cortex oversees executive functioning including decision-making, abstract thinking, impulse control, behavioral regulation, attention focus, and anticipating consequences of actions.
So unsurprisingly, this emotionally-driven self along with the missing pieces of executive functioning, create a challenging environment for understanding and communicating with your teenager. By understanding adolescent brain development and how to support them you can more effectively preserve the relationship you have with them. Here are some strategies to engage and connect.
Validate their feelings. Like all of us, adolescents want to be heard and understood. Try to remember to that no feelings are wrong, and if you can listen without sharing an opinion or convincing them to change how they feel, you have created a space for connection. You don’t need to agree or relate, but allow them to have their own experience.
Show interest in their interests. Even if it isn’t something you value or are invested in, you can show support by learning about their favorite online game or joining them for an event that is important to them. This investment sends a powerful message to your teenager that you care about their experience.
Role model the skills and values that are important to you. Think about how you speak about yourself, others, and your emotions in front of them. Think about how you behave and engage with your emotions knowing that they are learning from your words and actions. The way you engage with your emotional self will impact how they do as well.
Communicate, communicate, communicate. Teenagers will often vacillate between being ready to talk and feeling distant and disinterested in connecting. They may send a message that they don’t want to hear what you have to say or already know what you’re going to say. Sometimes they will be receptive to your engagement and other times resistant. As their adult, you can choose to be consistent, offering the conversation and sharing the important messages regardless of their response. This is different than being rigid and forceful. Rather it is remembering that many lessons and messages need to be seen and felt many times before they are integrated. Additionally, by communicating your own experiences and emotions, you’re normalizing them, validating them, and creating space for others to do the same.
Provide them with healthy outlets. Whether it's sports, art, music, or other creative pursuits, positive outlets provide a healthy channel for expressing emotions and reducing stress.
Recognize your changing role. For many parents, the truth is hard to admit: Adolescents begin to rely less and less upon the adults in their lives and more heavily on their peers. Starting to let go is difficult. But teens’ reliance on buddies is good for their development and sense of belonging. Being among peers during times of stress may offer adolescents an open, supportive and rewarding space which may help dampen the emotional turbulence that adolescence can bring. Your work is to accept this shift as much as you can, while continuing to put effort into your connection with your teenager.
Tip: A great book on this subject is “Hold onto Your Kids” by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate.
Remember that this too will change. Embrace your moody emotional teen for who they are, knowing that someday they will be out on their own, putting your guidance, love, and support into practice.
Rachel Brown, MSW, SWLC
Resources:
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-7-things-to-know