The Myth of Ready as a Destination
I don't know about you, but I catch myself sometimes thinking, "I'll be ready to process that later," "I'm sure I'll be a better wife and mom later," or even, "I'll take care of myself later."
While, yes, some of these things may become easier with time, especially if I'm actively working toward them, I find myself treating "ready" as if it's some future point or destination. When I'm "there," I'll know I'm ready to talk about the trauma, be more engaged as a mom, do this thing for myself, or pursue that goal.
That destination of “ready” never seems to come.
Things get in the way. I push it off for another day. I avoid it. I don't feel worthy, ready, good enough, prepared, or deserving of the thing I'm waiting for.
I'm realizing, though, that this constant waiting - and the accompanying pressure to be READY - is stealing my joy in the present, my ability to "be afraid and do it anyway," and causing me way more anxiety about the future than the thing itself.
Now, I want to be careful here. I'm not suggesting that we ignore preparation, rush into difficult situations, or force ourselves into experiences before we have the support we need. Readiness does matter. Sometimes waiting is wise. Sometimes building skills, gathering resources, and creating safety is exactly what we need.
The problem isn't preparation.
The problem is treating "ready" as an all-or-nothing destination instead of something we build one step at a time.
There have been many times in my life, and in my clients' lives, where it was absolutely beneficial to wait, slow down, and become more prepared before tackling something difficult. This is especially true when we're learning a new skill or building scaffolding and support for the bigger thing we want to do.
Want to jump off the diving board? Great! Just maybe make sure you can swim first or set up other supports to make sure you don't drown.
Want to get in the water, but it's scary? That's okay! Let's set up the supports and do what you can toward that goal. Maybe it's dipping a toe in. Maybe it's wading in the shallow end first. That's okay, too.
You don't have to accomplish the whole thing all at once to be ready to work toward the goal, one step at a time.
"But, Allyssa, I simply don't have time to take care of myself, even though I want to. One day, I'll be able to."
Dear, I know. I empathize.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if no one was sick or needy, work wasn't stressful, and you had hours of free time? (A person can dream!)
Then you would really be ready for self-care. You could do all the self-care!
But, love, when is that going to be? How long are you willing to sacrifice progress toward your goal - or your need - because you're not the most "ready" right now?
What if we just did one step?
Maybe it's making hot chocolate in the middle of the day. Standing in the sun for 30 seconds on the way in from getting groceries. Letting the kiddos watch TV while you shower by yourself.
What are you ready for now?
What about that trauma processing? That difficult conversation? That task you've been putting off?
If you weren't waiting for "ready" and putting all that pressure on yourself to reach the end goal, what would you do today? Tomorrow?
Whether it's taking care of yourself, processing a painful experience, having a difficult conversation, or pursuing a goal you've been putting off, maybe the question isn't, "Am I ready for the whole thing?"
Maybe the question is: "Am I ready for the next step?"
My gentle nudge to you today is this:
Is not being ready helpful for you today? How? And if not, why? How can you and your tribe support that first step?
Can you be ready just for the next helpful, mindful step?”