The Courage to Be Disliked: A Therapist’s Perspective on Choosing Authenticity
I often work with clients who feel weighed down by the pressure to be liked, approved of, or understood. The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga offers a powerful reminder rooted in Adlerian psychology: freedom comes when we stop living for other people’s expectations and start living in alignment with our own values.
Know What’s Yours and What Isn’t
The book’s core idea, “separation of tasks,” teaches that we are only responsible for our own actions, choices, and values, not other people’s reactions.
In therapy, this shows up when clients:
take responsibility for others’ feelings
avoid decisions to keep the peace
feel guilty for setting boundaries
When we stop managing other people’s emotions, we reclaim energy and clarity.
You Can Choose Your Life, Regardless of Your Past
Adlerian psychology emphasizes that your past informs you, but it does not determine who you must be today. From a therapeutic lens, this reframes statements like “This is just how I am” or “My trauma defines me.”
Instead, we ask: Who do you want to be now and what choices support that?
Authenticity Requires Courage
Being true to yourself may mean some people won’t like it. This isn’t a failure it’s a sign you’re no longer living from fear.
Clients gain confidence when they learn to:
say no without guilt
set boundaries
make decisions based on values, not approval
You will be disliked by someone either way, so choose to be disliked for being real.
You Still Belong, Even Without Universal Approval
The book emphasizes “community feeling” a sense of belonging that comes from contribution, not people-pleasing. You don’t need everyone to like you to live a connected, purposeful life.
Live in the Present
Many clients postpone living:
“When things calm down…”
“When people understand…”
“When I’m better…”
Healing happens when we stop waiting for perfect conditions and start living now.
What This Philosophy Means in Daily Life
Set boundaries without apology
Release responsibility for others’ emotions
Let your past inform, not imprison you
Choose values over approval
Allow yourself to grow even if others don’t understand
You don’t need to be fearless to live authentically, you only need the courage to be yourself. And it can be comforting to remember that the people around you are also just trying to find their way forward.