The Birthday Blues: Why Getting Older Feels So Complicated

Feb 16

Dates are points on a timeline marking events that occurred. They act as reminders of what was — and sometimes what could have been. Some milestones are shared by everyone at one point or another. The day we were born and the day we die are guaranteed to everyone. The dates in between — anniversaries, children’s births, getting a driver’s license, graduating from high school, or growing old — are possible, but not promised to all.

Perhaps birthdays are something you look forward to every year. Maybe you celebrate lavishly: birthday week, or even the whole month. Maybe you spend months planning, anticipating gifts and gestures from loved ones. Or maybe your birthdays were never celebrated the way we see on TV or in movies. Maybe the last birthday you were excited about was in childhood, and now, as an adult, it feels like just another day. Maybe celebrating your birthday feels less important with each passing year.

Birthdays can bring up feelings of regret, lack of fulfillment, and even depression — sometimes called the “Birthday Blues.” We might miss someone who should be there to celebrate with us. We might feel shame for not accomplishing what we thought we would by a certain age. Certain birthdays carry extra weight. For some, turning thirty feels like a deadline to have life figured out according to society’s checklist. When life doesn’t look the way we imagined, regret and disappointment can surface. For others, birthdays in general — regardless of number — bring anxiety, stress, or avoidance.

Nearing forty can feel especially confronting. According to the CDC, the average life expectancy in the United States is about 78 years. If we live to that age, midlife arrives around 39. Reaching that birthday can stir urgency, dread, fear, or even excitement about what remains ahead. There is no right or wrong way to celebrate — or not celebrate — a birthday.

Birthdays, like the start of a new year, offer a natural moment for reflection. They invite us to notice what we want to release and what we want to carry forward. As I enter my 39th year, I want to celebrate more and avoid less. I’m holding onto Mary Oliver’s question from The Summer Day: “What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

Not as pressure, and not as a checklist — but as a gentle invitation.
We only get one wild and precious life.