How Do I Play with My Kids?: A Quick Guide to ‘Together Play’
Between work demands, the mental load of chores and appointments, trying to stay connected to our partners, and remembering that we are also whole people deserving of hobbies and self-care, sometimes spending quality time with our children feels like just another thing on our plate. With this realization often comes so much guilt and feelings of not knowing how to be with them.
We’ve often become good at fitting our kids into our adult world but lack insight into how to enter their world of connection, closeness, and play.
This quick guide is for those wanting to reengage in your kids’ worlds and to reconnect with them person-to-person.
So, how do you do that? It’s as easy as you + me = we!
You: Finding your child’s play nature
First, you’ll look at the “you” part of this equation. Study your child like they’re a gorilla in Jane Goodall’s documentaries. Watch them “in the wild.”
When do they smile the most and belly laugh? When do they spend the most time engaged in independent play? When do they actively engage in play with others? When do they seem content? When do they seem discontent? When do they seem silly? What do they ask to do for fun? What do they ask you to do with them?
Young children tend to play in all areas of play, but they may show more tendency towards one category or specific activities within a category as they grow. As your children continue to grow, they will begin to specialize in different types of play and start leaning into one or more play styles.
Here are four specific play categories to observe in your child(ren) to determine how they may like to play:
Social Play
Does your child often ask to play with you or their friends and become more engaged in whatever the game is when others are involved?
Is your child fueled by play with many other people involved, only a few, or do they prefer to play independently?
Does your child let others lead the play, lead play themselves, or are they somewhere in-between?
Object Play
Does your child love to build with blocks, put puzzles together, or find random objects to play with?
Perhaps you observe your younger kid throwing rocks into the river, your elementary-age kid meticulously building a marble-run block tower, your older kid concentrating on a 3000 piece Lego build.
Pretend Play
Pretend and imaginative play go hand-in-hand.
Dress-up bins, imaginative families, narrating a story, theater, and make-believe are front-and-center.
This category often pairs with other categories with themes of imagination throughout.
Physical Play
This category may be the easiest to recognize as their body moves to engage in play.
Running, jumping, climbing, tag, sports, “rough and tumble” play, dancing, throwing, etc. all constitute physical play
This category tends to be more unstructured as kids and often evolves to more structured activities.
So, what categories does your child love to play in? Are they all equal? Are one or two more favorable? Or perhaps it depends on the context of the day?
Me: Reconnect with your play style
Next, refresh your memory of the ways in which you love to play. See my previous blog post about this topic HERE, read more on play personalities HERE, or take a parenting play personalities quiz HERE!
Here is a quick summary of each play personality and how they may show up in your parenting journey.
The Collector: You play by collecting interesting objects or experiences, tangible or not. You may enjoy showing your collection to your kids or taking them to see other collectable-related items.
The Competitor: You play to win, accessing drive, creativity, and focus through the desire to succeed. Family game nights and impromptu sports matches in the yard fuel your family connections.
The Creator: You play through creating, whether you showcase your creations or not, your play is in the process of creation as much as it is in the finished project. You love to create with your kids; maybe you have an art corner, design costumes for the school theater, or sing and dance together often.
The Director: Play for you is in the planning. Organizing and executing are where you love to be. You love to plan the birthday parties, the trips, and time together; maybe you even have spreadsheets, to-do lists, and a go-bag.
The Explorer: Your play state is activated through the exploration of new things, whether those are new places, new cultures, new knowledge, or even better understanding of yourself. You enjoy taking your kids on trips and excursions or even finding adventure in every day tasks.
The Joker: You often play through finding humor and sharing it with others. You’re constantly joking, making silly faces, and finding humor in big and small moments with your family.
The Kinesthete: You feel the most playful when you are moving. The movement itself is the play for you rather than trying to achieve an end goal. You may find yourself suggesting that everyone go for a family walk after dinner, play sports together, go hiking, or even play an impromptu game of tag.
The Storyteller: Your imagination is the center of your play, often creating or engaging in stories and connections in everyday life. You are the best bedtime storyteller, and you bring imagination into every aspect of life, turning the mundane into exciting adventure.
Which style or styles fit into how you feel playful and engaged with yourself and your family?
We: Mesh the two play styles together
You’ve identified your child(ren)’s play nature(s) and your play style. You know how each of you prefers to feel playful and engaged. Now, all that’s left is to try some things that mesh both styles together.
No matter what the styles or activities are, remember that these attributes should be the core of your time together:
This is your time present together. Put away the distracting electronics and focus on the other person and the connection between you.
The connection is more important than the activity. Don’t let the what distract from the why. If the plans change, that’s okay!
It’s okay to only be present. You don’t have to look for teachable moments, impress anyone, or be the perfect parent. Just showing up with genuine connection is enough.
Examples – Here are a few ideas of you + me = we to get you started:
Social play + Competitor — joining a t-ball team together (player, coach or support role); practicing soccer together; participating in parent-involvement classes that work towards a goal
Object play + Creator — create a collage together; create a mural using various objects as paint brushes; create a meditation walking path with cool rocks
Pretend play + Kinesthete — create a movement-based drama about a princess and a dragon; turn play at the pool into a great adventure escaping sharks; turn a hike into a bear hunt
Physical play + Collector — look for cool rocks on a mountain hike; walk, jump, and “chug” around a public-friendly train yard; explore a national park before choosing your new coffee mug at the visitor’s center
Remember, no matter how you play, your child will remember the time spent with you engaging in life together. Don’t be afraid to try a few things and see what works and what doesn’t.
Have fun, and go play!