Couples and Compromise
“Remember, you can only be influential if you accept influence. Compromise never feels perfect. Everyone gains something and everyone loses something. The important thing is feeling understood, respected, and honored in your dreams. ”
Compromising is a big part of sustaining a partnership. That said, it is easier said than done. We know that there are certain aspects of a position we may have, and the hoped for outcome that we feel are not negotiable, often these relate to a sense of compromising one’s core values or identity. It feels difficult to come to a middle ground when who we are and how we see ourselves gets asked to move aside. The Gottman’s have studied couples for many years and developed a framework for couples work in therapy that has been “tried and tested,” I trust them and see their work and methods helping the couples I work with. They have put together a list of 3 steps to help guide us as we work towards compromising with our partner.
Keep these 3 steps in mind the next time you need to compromise on something with your partner:
Identify your core needs
As mentioned above, it is important to know what isn’t negotiable in terms of the thing that might threaten a core value or piece of a person’s identity
Clarify flexible areas
Next, identify where you can be flexible, such as timing, pace, methods, or temporary solutions.
Ask these questions to understand your partner’s flexibility better:
Help me understand your flexible areas.
What do we agree about?
What are our common goals?
How might these goals be accomplished?
How can we reach a temporary compromise?
What feelings do we have in common?
How can I help to meet your core needs?
Create a compromise, even if it’s temporary
Discuss what you’re willing and able to do right now while respecting your partner’s needs and perspective.
Example: One partner prefers staying up late to wind down alone; the other values going to bed together for connection and routine.
Partner A (night owl):
Core need: “I need some quiet alone time at night to relax and decompress. It helps me sleep better.”
Flexible areas: “I’m open to going to bed at the same time a few nights a week or doing a wind-down routine together first.”
Partner B (early sleeper):
Core need: “I feel most connected when we go to bed together. It’s part of how I feel close to you.”
Flexible areas: “I’m okay if we don’t go to bed at the same time every night, as long as we have some shared connection before bed.”
Compromise: “Let’s create a shared bedtime routine a few nights a week, like brushing our teeth together or chatting in bed, then you can stay up afterward if you need solo time. On other nights, we’ll be flexible and check in about what we both need.”
Hope these ideas seem doable and reasonable as you work towards working things out together with your partner.
Kathleen Byrne, MA, EdS, MEd, PCLC
Reference
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2000). The seven principles for making marriage work. Three Rivers Press.