5 Ways to Regulate with Your Kids: Breathe, Ground, Add Rhythm, Engage
You’re in the midst of the mother of all meltdowns. The teenager has slammed their door and barricaded themselves in their room. The four-year-old is pterodactyl-screaming. The toddler? Channeling a full Tasmanian devil — right in front of the in-laws during holiday dinner. You’re trying to hold it together, but wow, this is A LOT. Everyone’s nervous systems are fried, and you want to help... but you’re not sure how.
Here are a few easy-to-use regulation strategies to support both your kids and yourself in these moments of rupture and dysregulation. Each of these tools works best when paired with connection, empathy, and understanding.
Pro tip: These strategies are great in the heat of the moment, but they’re even more effective when practiced during calm times. Like any skill, repetition builds muscle memory — so your body and brain can kick into gear when it matters most.
1. Deep Breathing
It sounds too simple, right? But deep breathing is one of the most powerful regulation tools we have and it’s always available.
Start with yourself. Take a few real deep breaths — the kind that fill your ribcage and belly. Inhale through your nose, exhale slowly through your mouth. This helps activate your parasympathetic nervous system (the “rest and digest” one), helping you feel more in control and ready to co-regulate.
Then, move to your child. Keep modeling your breathing while guiding them with their favorite breathing technique. For younger kids, try this:
“I’m right here. You’re going to be okay. Let’s breathe together. Can you put your hand on my chest and feel it rise and fall as I breathe? Now make your belly big like a balloon! I feel it! Okay, slowly let it out... Good! Let’s do it again.”
Repeat as needed. You can also add gentle rocking or other strategies from below to help reinforce regulation.
2. 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding
This sensory-rich technique is great for panic, meltdowns, or even dissociation. It helps bring the brain back to the present — but environment matters. For best results, try to use it in a space that feels safe and calm(ish). Loud or chaotic surroundings may keep the nervous system on high alert.
Use a calm or playful tone depending on what your child needs. Help younger kids name things if needed:
5 things you can see — What do they look like?
4 things you can touch — How do they feel?
3 things you can hear — Shhh, listen closely!
2 things you can smell — Strong smells (good or bad) work great!
1 thing you can taste — Try a strong flavor or even cool water.
Wrap up with a big breath and a moment of connection.
3. Strong Sensory Input
Sometimes when a kiddo is too dysregulated for breathing or grounding, intense sensory input can help snap their nervous system back to the present.
Always explain what you’re doing, get consent, and switch it up if something isn’t helping. Here are a few ideas:
Cold packs or popsicles – Try placing them on the forehead, neck, wrists, or knees to activate the vagus nerve.
Deep pressure – A tight squeeze or “burrito wrap” in a blanket can be calming for many kids. Just make sure it feels safe.
Water – Drinking it, running hands under it, taking a bath — it all helps. Water is regulation magic.
Strong smells or tastes – Mints, essential oils, or a favorite scent. One toddler favorite: “Do you smell a fart?!” (Hey, if it works, it works.)
4. Rhythm
Rhythmic movement and sound tell the body, “It’s safe now.” Chaos is unpredictable, but rhythm is reliable — and our brains love that.
Try:
Rocking, clapping, drumming, or stomping feet
Jumping on a trampoline
Walking, running, throwing balls
Music with a steady beat
Bonus: bilateral movement (using both sides of the body, like walking or swinging arms) enhances this even more. Littles may need help finding or keeping the rhythm. Teens and adults can usually find one that works for them.
5. Play and Silliness
Yes, even in the middle of a meltdown. Especially then.
Play is a genius brain hack. It uses both the calm and activated circuits in the brain, which means you don’t have to wait until a kid is totally calm to connect. Plus, it flips the brain’s “fear” switch into “seek” mode — replacing the need for safety behaviors (fight, flight, freeze) with curiosity and connection.
Play looks different at every age, and you know your kid best. Here are a few ideas:
Toddler resisting bath time? Make it an elephant shower! Use bath crayons or soap bubbles, then let them “spray” everything down like an elephant.
Grade-schooler avoiding bedtime? Build a bed fort to protect them from “invading giraffes.” Drop off stuffies every time you check on them.
Middle schooler forgetting their dishes (again)? Start singing and dancing: “Put it away, not down, away not down!” Add your best moonwalk or dad dance moves.
Teenagers bickering? Narrate it like a sports announcer: “Oooh, flag on the play! One player says X, the other says Y... This is getting intense!” Keep the tone light and facilitate connection underneath the conflict.
These strategies work for all ages and can be adapted based on your kid’s personality, needs, and your unique situation.
And remember: deep breath — you’ve got this. You're not alone in the chaos, and you're doing the best you can with the tools you have. Connection and regulation take practice for both of you. And that’s okay.
Allyssa Staker, MS, PCLC
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