What Clients Often Apologize for in Therapy (and don’t need to)
Have you ever had the urge to apologize in your therapy space? Why is that? Have you ever wondered what’s behind that or maybe where it’s coming from? In the paragraphs below, we are going to explore three reasons why and then discuss some common things you may feel like you need to apologize for, when you don’t actually have to.
Three Reasons Why Clients Might Apologize
Social Conditioning: Our society and culture teaches us to downplay and/or minimize our emotions. Certain generations have even been instructed to “pull yourself up by your boot straps” or “rub some dirt in it” instead of expressing emotions. This has created a population of us who feel guilty or even embarrassed to show what we’re feeling. So, because of this, we feel like we need to apologize for feeling our emotions or showing them, especially when we’ve been told that our emotions are “too much.”
Fear of Judgment: There’s a constant sense of anxiety and worry that our emotions are going to come off as “too intense” or “too vulnerable,” especially in a setting like therapy. We fear being judged or misunderstood, so we apologize to – again – downplay or minimize what we are feeling or saying.
People-Pleasing: For some of us, there’s a fear or worry of rocking the boat. Of upsetting someone else, so we mask what we’re feeling and curate what we are going to say to appear “easygoing” or “good” in the eyes of others, especially our therapists and counselors. The apology here ensures that we don’t seem demanding or needy, even when it’s not necessary.
What Clients Might Apologize For
Now that we understand the reasons behind why clients might apologize in session, let’s take a look at some of the most common things they might apologize for. This is not an exhaustive list.
“I apologize I’m talking about one thing all the time.”
This is something a client says to me on a regular basis. They apologize for existing in my space and keep checking their watch, even going as far as calling the session to an end early so I can get to my “more interesting” clients. I, of course, assure him that this is what the therapy space is for. If he needs to talk about one thing for multiple sessions, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Sometimes it takes more than one session to process a circumstance or situation. There’s no timeline or rule saying that each session has to focus on something different. Take your time. Process at your own pace. If you need multiple sessions to talk about one thing, do it!
“I don’t know where to start.”
Not knowing where to start is perfectly okay. In fact, it’s a beginning in itself. It’s better to start processing and backtrack then not know where to start and not talk about it. There are many things in our lives that are complex and there’s not an easy, straightforward way to explain. If there’s something on your mind that is making you feel overwhelmed and confused, let’s unpack it. Let’s begin wherever your brain wants to begin and we’ll go from there.
“I’m sorry if this is too small to talk about.”
Nothing is “too small” for or in therapy. Seemingly minor or small things can oftentimes have the most weight and can range anything from tiny conflicts, passing comments, or nagging feelings that point to deeper truths. If it matters to you and is causing you to question and feel distress, it’s important for the therapy space. Remember, there’s no such thing as a “little thing.” Nothing is off limits in therapy.
If any of this resonated with you, please feel free to let us know in the comments or to give us a call. We’d love to hear from you and help you unpack any and all areas of your life.