The Seven Core Issues of Adoption: What Adoptees Want You to Understand
When people talk about adoption, the focus is often on the happy ending — a child finding a loving home. And yes, adoption can be full of joy and connection. But it’s also true that adoption begins with loss, and that loss has ripple effects throughout an adoptee’s life.
Sharon Kaplan Roszia and Deborah Silverstein first wrote about what they called the Seven Core Issues of Adoption, and they’re just as relevant today. These issues aren’t about adoptees being “broken” or “damaged.” They’re simply natural responses to the unique experience of being adopted. Let’s break them down.
Loss
Every adoption starts with loss. Even if someone was adopted as a baby, the separation from their birth family is still felt, often in ways that can’t be put into words. Over time, adoptees may also feel the loss of biological connections, family history, or cultural identity. It’s a thread that runs through the adoption experience.
Rejection
Alongside loss comes the sting of rejection. To be adopted, someone first has to be “un-chosen.” That can leave adoptees hypersensitive to rejection later in life, worried about being left again, or even testing relationships to see if people will stick around.
Guilt & Shame
Many adoptees carry a quiet belief that they did something wrong — that their adoption was somehow their fault. This can grow into feelings of unworthiness, self-doubt, or difficulty believing they’re truly lovable.
Grief
Grief isn’t always obvious in adoption, because people often expect adoptees to feel grateful. But grief is a natural part of the journey. It shows up in waves, sometimes at unexpected times, and deserves to be acknowledged rather than brushed aside.
Identity
Who am I? Where do I come from? These are questions we all ask at some point, but for adoptees, the answers can be complicated. Missing pieces of biological, cultural, or medical history can make identity-building an ongoing process.
Intimacy
Trust doesn’t always come easily. If your earliest experience involved separation, closeness with others can feel both comforting and risky. This can show up in friendships, dating, or even long-term relationships.
Control
Adoption can leave people feeling like they had no say in some of the biggest decisions of their lives. It’s no surprise that many adoptees crave control later on — whether that’s over relationships, decisions, or even little everyday things.
Why It Matters
Here’s the takeaway: these issues are not problems to “fix.” They’re simply part of the adoption experience. Naming them gives adoptees language for what they feel and helps adoptive parents, birth families, and friends understand what’s really going on.
Adoption isn’t one chapter — it’s a lifelong story. By talking openly about these seven core issues, we can move away from shame and silence, and toward connection and healing.