The Feeling and Functioning Paradox: Functioning Through Life’s Transitions
Often, life demands we keep functioning during transition periods — from the smallest to the most life-changing transitions.
Planning a wedding while grieving the end of a life chapter.
Becoming a parent while mourning the freedom that came before.
Starting a new job while leaving coworkers you love.
Sending a child to kindergarten.
Caring for a sick loved one.
Going through a divorce.
The death of a pet or loved one.
Graduating.
Moving.
Even healing from trauma.
These are both practical things to do and emotions to feel.
Life transitions ask us to do both — function and feel — at the same time.
We may be grieving while making dinner.
We may be anxious while packing boxes.
We may be overwhelmed while answering emails, showing up to work, caring for our children, and making important decisions.
Then, because we are still functioning, we sometimes assume we must be doing okay, or we feel we have to be okay emotionally because we have to keep functioning.
Functioning isn't the same thing as feeling okay. And we don’t have to be okay to keep functioning.
You can be functioning and still be struggling.
One of the more complicated things about transitions is that life rarely pauses to give us time to process them.
There isn't always a designated period where we get to sit down and say, Okay. This is a big change. Let's pause and feel everything about it now.
Instead, the moving truck still needs to be packed.
The children still need breakfast.
The workday still starts at 8:00.
The appointment still needs to happen.
The bills still need to be paid.
People may even tell us, with the best of intentions, that we're doing so well.
And maybe we are.
But "I'm handling it" doesn't necessarily mean "this isn't hard."
Sometimes it simply means, "I'm doing what needs to be done while this is hard."
There is an important distinction there.
Feeling something doesn't mean you aren't coping.
The world sometimes tells us that experiencing difficult emotions is evidence that something has gone wrong.
If we're sad, maybe we aren't ready.
If we're anxious, maybe we're making the wrong decision.
If we miss what we've left behind, maybe we shouldn't have moved forward.
If we're grieving something that was also a good thing, maybe we aren't grateful enough for what we have now.
But emotions don't always tell us whether a decision is “right” or “wrong” (especially since many decisions don’t even have right or wrong; they just are).
Feeling the things can simply tell us that something mattered.
You can be excited about becoming a parent and still grieve parts of the life you had before.
You can be thrilled about a new job and still miss your old coworkers.
You can know that a divorce is necessary and still mourn the imagined family, possibilities, or version of yourself.
You can be proud of your child for growing up and still feel a lump in your throat when they walk into kindergarten.
Multiple things can be true at once.
We don't have to choose between moving forward and looking back.
There can be a temptation during transitions to believe that we have to "move on." But moving forward doesn't require us to erase what came before.
We can carry things with us.
We can remember people, places, identities, relationships, and seasons of life without needing to return to them.
We can appreciate what something gave us while acknowledging what it cost us.
We can be grateful for where we are while still missing where we were.
And we can allow ourselves to grieve something even when we are the ones who chose to leave it (or if we have no other choice).
Sometimes grief or complex emotionality isn't a sign that we made the wrong choice – it's just evidence that this season, event, belief, person, time, experience, etc. mattered to us.
And that’s okay.
So what do we do with all of this?
Maybe we start by giving ourselves permission to stop using our functioning as evidence that we shouldn't be feeling ... or feeling as evidence that we aren’t functioning “well enough”.
Instead of asking, "Why am I still struggling with this?" we might ask:
"What am I feeling, and what does that feeling need?"
Maybe the answer is rest.
Maybe it's connection.
Maybe it's space to cry.
Maybe it's reassurance.
Maybe it's simply permission to say, "This is really hard," without immediately trying to make it better.
Sometimes, the answer is that we need to keep functioning.
But maybe it’s also okay to ask for help or support with both the emotions and the practical and functional pieces. We still have responsibilities. We still have people depending on us. We still have things that need to get done.
That doesn't mean our emotions have to wait until we're finished.
We can make dinner while grieving.
We can go to work while anxious.
We can pack boxes while feeling overwhelmed.
We can laugh while we're sad.
We can take the next step while still missing the last one.
Remember: We honor the people, places, and seasons we love (or have loved) by letting ourselves grieve their ending while still being willing to step into what's next.
AND we don’t have to do it all alone.
Healthy transitions aren't brought about by living in 100% feeling/0% functioning or 100% functioning/0% feeling. They happen with intentional balance of both — sometimes 100%/100% — and, when we can, letting others to come alongside us and support us in the journey.
And please let us know if we can help — we'd love to support you.