Secrets: Telling is a Big Part of Healing
How many secrets are you keeping that are harming you psychologically and physically? How much does a secret weigh?
Secrets can be very heavy depending on how big they are and how much damage they can cause for you or others. They carry emotional weight that takes a significant toll on our minds, bodies, and spirit.
We All Carry Secrets
We all have secrets — the little things we don’t say or let others know about ourselves. We tuck these truths away and pretend they do not exist.
Secrets can be many things. Maybe it’s something that happened to you, or something you survived but never said out loud because of shame, guilt, or the sheer weight of the trauma. Whether it’s an embarrassing mistake, a painful betrayal, a hidden aspect of our identity, or something that feels too personal to reveal, secrets are universal to the human experience.
While keeping something private can feel like self-preservation, research increasingly shows that holding onto secrets for long periods of time can cause real psychological and even physical harm.
What Makes Secrets So Heavy
What adds bulk to our secrets — and makes them such a burden — are emotions like fear, shame, guilt, and judgment. Keeping a secret can affect not only how we interact with others, but even how we experience our own thoughts. Secrets shift our perspectives.
The act of keeping a secret might not feel stressful at first. The burden often lies in how we mentally revisit it. Is it with feelings of shame and isolation? It can leave you feeling alone in the world, ashamed you couldn’t free yourself from the situation. You may feel like a failure. A loser. Someone no one would like if they knew the truth about you.
The Mental and Physical Toll
Keeping a BIG secret often leads to anxiety, depression, and constant worry. Our minds start looping and revisiting the secret, preparing for what might happen if it’s revealed. This mental circling can take up significant cognitive space, drain energy, and affect focus and mood.
It robs us of restorative sleep. It can affect appetite. It impacts relationships, often showing up as agitation or irritability. It can feel all-consuming — exhausting our energy while magnifying the secret’s size and importance.
Studies have found that individuals who suppress emotional experiences show increased physiological stress responses, including higher heart rates, elevated cortisol levels, and weakened immune systems.
Other research shows that holding back thoughts and feelings — especially traumatic or shameful ones — is associated with headaches, back pain, tension, and chronic sleep problems.
Secrets don’t just weaken relationships. They affect the body.
How Secrets Affect Relationships
Holding back information from those closest to us can create emotional distance — a wall between us and them. We may feel we are protecting them, but it’s common to feel fake or inauthentic when a significant secret exists.
Even if the other person is unaware, the secret-holder may feel guilt or fear of being discovered, which can quietly erode trust and intimacy.
Sometimes people dissociate from the secret — forgiving and forgetting — but depending on its size, it can still follow you. When it finally emerges, it can trigger guilt, shame, and betrayal. You may feel helpless, unsure how to undo the damage.
It becomes more than a memory.
It becomes a living thing — well fed by silence.
Secrets and the Self
Keeping secrets can fuel self-judgment and erode self-worth. The longer someone holds onto something they believe makes them “bad” or “unacceptable,” the more it becomes part of their identity.
They may start to believe that if others knew the truth, they wouldn’t be loved or accepted. This belief perpetuates loneliness and shame. If I think you won’t accept me, I probably won’t even try to connect with you.
It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The Healing Power of Sharing
If secrecy creates emotional and physical tolls, it follows that release through sharing can offer relief. But sharing doesn’t have to mean telling everyone — or even someone you know.
What matters is finding a safe outlet that helps you externalize what’s been locked inside.
Putting secrets into words — spoken or written — often reduces their emotional power. Talking or journaling can lessen the psychological burden. In many therapeutic spaces, storytelling is guided and supported, but always optional.
In the age of the internet, anonymous sharing has also become unexpectedly healing. Platforms like Secret No More allow people to share without fear of social consequence. These spaces often foster connection, validation, and catharsis — especially when others respond with empathy.
If a secret isolates you, haunts you, or impacts your health, it may be time to consider sharing it in some way.
When Might It Be Time to Tell?
Deciding whether to reveal a secret depends on your readiness, the stability of the relationship, and the potential impact of disclosure.
Signs You May Be Ready
The secret feels like a burden — the mental cost outweighs the fear of sharing.
The relationship reaches a milestone — holding back feels like a lie of omission.
Natural openings arise — the topic comes up organically.
You trust the listener — you feel emotionally safe and respected.
Preparing to Share
Clarify your “why” — are you seeking connection, or just relief from guilt?
Choose the right person — someone emotionally capable and safe.
Consider timing and setting — private, calm, low-pressure.
Test the waters — share something smaller first.
When to Wait (or Not Tell)
You feel pressured — that’s usually a sign it’s too soon.
The relationship is very new — early disclosure of heavy material can overwhelm.
Safety is a concern — if there’s risk of harm or abuse, secure support first.
Tips for Disclosure
Be direct and clear — it reduces anxiety for both people.
Acknowledge the impact — allow space for their emotional response.
Frame it around the relationship — explain that you’re sharing because it matters to you.
Secrets have power not just because of what they hide, but because of how they make us feel when we carry them. The longer we hold them, the heavier they become. They cloud our relationships, our health, and our sense of self.
Sharing doesn’t erase the past — but it changes how we carry it.
In a world that pressures us to present perfect versions of ourselves, acknowledging the imperfect parts can be deeply liberating. Science and human experience both show us this:
We don’t have to carry our secrets alone.
Even whispering the truth can help us breathe a little easier.
Because secrets don’t just live in our minds.
They live in our bodies, our relationships, and our sense of who we are.
And telling — when it’s safe and supported — really can be part of healing.