Let’s Talk About Resentment
Resentment: A common emotion with a lot to tell us if we listen! We often experience resentment as a direct and valid reaction to someone else's actions; a righteous anger in the face of unfairness. We feel upset. And we feel entitled to that upset. This feeling of entitlement can be powerful, yet it's crucial to recognize that this narrative is incomplete. This initial understanding of such a complex emotion really only scratches the surface.
Resentment is often misconstrued as anger towards another person. And while this can be partially true, the deeper story that resentment holds is one of anger towards ourselves – for letting the hurtful thing happen to us in the first place. While resentment often feels like a justified reaction to external events, its most profound and damaging impact is frequently on the individual harboring it.
Frequently, the root of resentment lies in self-abandonment, specifically in the failure to establish and maintain personal boundaries. This may stem from a missed opportunity to advocate for ourselves, (which can happen for a number of reasons). Missed opportunities can occur when we don't recognize our own needs or limits, struggle to assert ourselves due to fear or a desire to please, or ignore our intuition. Consequently, unmet needs and unexpressed feelings fester, shifting the blame externally and creating a sense of powerlessness. This cycle of not setting boundaries and then feeling resentful reinforces itself, making it even harder to advocate for ourselves in the future. Recognizing this connection is crucial for shifting focus from blaming others to taking responsibility for our own boundaries and needs. This ultimately fosters healthier relationships with ourselves and others.
So if and when you next feel the familiar sting of resentment consider trying the following:
Begin by pausing and gently acknowledging the feeling without judgment.
Consider exploring its source by pinpointing the trigger – the specific situation, person, or event.
Describe what happened objectively, and ask yourself what boundary might have been crossed: Did you feel unheard? Were your needs ignored? Did someone violate your values or boundaries? Did you fail to speak up?
With this understanding, choose a constructive response. If appropriate and safe, consider calmly and assertively communicating your feelings and needs using "I" statements. For future situations, determine how you will set and hold boundaries. Practice self-compassion, acknowledging your hurt without judgment. Focus on what you can control – your reactions, boundaries, and path forward. Perhaps grab a journal and write these things down.
Ultimately, resentment is a signal pointing to unmet needs or boundaries that have been walked back one too many times. It’s actually less about them, and more about us. By exploring resentment’s roots with curiosity and self-compassion, you gain valuable insight and can choose more empowering and constructive ways to respond.