Couples and Sex – Let’s Try Some Low Stakes Connecting!

In counseling couples,  I’ve often hear a slightly different version of the same story from all kinds of couples; young, old, those with kids, without kids, working or studying hard daily, retired. To paraphrase, I hear things like, “Sex has taken a backseat, we used to have fun,” or, “I’ve got a little kid touching me constantly, my idea of fun right now is to never be touched again,” or “I’m too sleep deprived and working constantly, I have no desire,” you get the picture, or maybe you are in a similar situation and could use some help. 

Below I’m giving you some minimal risk ideas I suggest in couples therapy to support people with their work towards physical reconnection. Hope these are helpful! 

1. Start with Simple Touches 
   Sometimes the smallest gestures hold the most power. Holding hands while watching a show, resting a hand on your partner’s knee during dinner, or offering a gentle back rub while they’re brushing their teeth can all send a quiet signal: “I see you, I’m here, and I like being close to you.” These micro-moments of connection aren’t about building toward anything sexual — they’re about reestablishing a sense of comfort and safety in each other’s presence. 

2. Bring Back the Non-Sexual Cuddle 
   Remember cuddling just for the sake of it? No expectations, no pressure — just two bodies finding comfort in being near. Laying down together on the couch or in bed, facing the same direction, can be deeply calming. You might even find a ritual like “the 10-minute hug” — a commitment to simply holding each other in silence once a day — helps reduce emotional distance and increase physical familiarity. 

3. Make Affection Part of the Routine 
   Adding small bits of physical connection into the daily rhythm can make it feel natural rather than performative. A morning hug before leaving for work, a kiss on the forehead while one person is doing the dishes, or even brushing your teeth side-by-side can create regular moments of physical closeness. When affection becomes part of the daily fabric, it becomes less about “initiating” and more about “being.” 

4. Try a Hands-On Activity Together 
   Shared experiences that involve touch — but not intimacy — can help couples ease back into feeling physically in sync. Think giving each other hand massages, learning a simple partner yoga pose, slow dancing in the kitchen, or even sitting back-to-back and breathing together. These can feel playful, grounding, or just a bit silly — and that’s part of the magic. There's no goal beyond connection. 

5. Revisit Your Firsts 
   Sometimes, reigniting physical closeness starts with remembering how you used to flirt. Sit next to each other in a restaurant booth instead of across the table. Kiss like you’re saying hello for the first time. Walk with your arms around each other’s waists like teenagers. These small shifts in physicality can bring back a sense of play and novelty that often gets lost in long-term relationships. 

6. Use Words to Support Touch 
   Low-stakes touch becomes even more powerful when paired with words that affirm comfort, safety, or attraction. A quiet “This feels nice,” or “I love being close to you like this,” lets your partner know that touch isn’t a prelude — it’s the point. If one or both of you are feeling anxious about intimacy, verbal reassurance goes a long way in making physical closeness feel safe again. 

Good luck! 

Kathleen Byrne, MA, EdS, MEd, PCLC

Resource

https://www.gottman.com/blog/10-ways-rekindle-passion-marriage/